The surprising secret to self love

There's so much talk about the power of self-love in the spiritual and personal development scene. On some level most people looking to actively improve or heal their lives know that everything important really comes from self-love.

And many many people intuitively understand that without self-love whatever you create or achieve always feels hollow. You can have plenty of money, great health, abundance, friends and whatever you like. But without deep self-love, you're always looking for more, and not able to really receive what will deeply fulfil you.

People have been practicing and preaching self-love in different forms as the spiritual and personal development movement has expanded over the last few decades.

From Louise Hay, to Tony Robbins, and a million modern coaches, healers, and social media spiritual teachers, everyone talks about it in some way or form.


Yet when it comes to really loving yourself deeply, actually feeling total worthiness, self-appreciation and love for who you are, very, very few people have really gotten how to do it. And even less how to teach others to do it.

Yes you can do affirmations. And you can take loving actions, and care and look after yourself, and write yourself love letters and meditate on love and whatever. All these things make a difference compared to doing nothing at all. Sometimes a profound difference.

But what they don't do effectively, is change the core feelings of unworthiness, feeling not-enough, alone, or being disconnected that block you from fully feeling self-love at your core.

As a result, the majority of people involved in spirituality or personal development for years or decades are still chasing deep self-love. Or they've settled for less and basically given up. You can have a lot of crazy spiritual experiences, make a lot of life changes, and still be constantly looking for more love, whether through relationships, sex, work or otherwise.

In fact this is pretty normal. Simply for the fact people haven't actually known how practise deep self-love, because no one's actually been teaching it.


- The steps and the secret -

There's an important step to self-love that's not a secret. It's out there everywhere, yet still very few people actually take it.

And that step is: -> Letting go of all self-judgement!! <-

That is let go of all judgment of anything about you being, bad, wrong, not good enough, not where you should be, or any thoughts or rationale of self-criticism. Choose to let go of any idea you should feel guilt or shame about anything, and accept you are perfect now and deserving of love.

This is the basic choice of self-love.

To really deeply and effectively expand your self love, you can't hold on to an attitude of self-judgement, or there being something wrong with you.

Because whatever judgement you hold on to, will reflect the part of you that needs love the most. If you find yourself thinking, "Well I can love everything about myself except the fact I did ..XYZ.." then that's an excellent clue on your most powerful and exact path to deeper self love.

Many people involved in decent healing work know all this. And yet they find deep self-love elusive, because what it takes to really do it is knowing this all important secret.


- The secret -

The secret is you've got to really feel and welcome your self-criticism, self-anger, hatred, shame and unworthiness, in order to deeply shift the way you love yourself.

That means if there's a part of you that's really fucking angry at YOURSELF, you've got to feel it. You've got to hear it's voice screaming in your head. Feel it’s full energy pulsate right through your body.

And when you can love all that, your self love will really grow.

Why is this a powerful secret?


A - Because facing your own self-hatred and deep feelings that there's something wrong or not enough about you is physically/mechanically the most difficult thing you can actually do. Essentially because these are the most painful patterns we hold. The vast majority of people only ever touch the surface of these feelings because their unconsciously too afraid to feel what's underneath.

This includes most therapists, counsellors and healers, who because they're still afraid to go there themselves, can't really provide that space for their clients.

Feeling and processing anger, hatred and criticism towards other people is generally easier, because it's more on the surface of our patterns and beliefs (Yet many people still find this very difficult). The two are ultimately linked, and you can't create deep love for others, without loving yourself. However the self-love patterns are at the core.


B - This is such a powerful secret because as children, we are taught our core patterns of self-judgement, criticism or hatred are fundamentally true.

Think about this. As a child, if you get angry at a parent, sibling or friend, someone is probably telling you not to be so angry. If you're critical or upset about the actions of others in your life, generally you'll be encouraged to have a look at yourself and change your own behaviour.

And so the gravity of our anger or judgement of others is usually mitigated by factors external to your own mind.

But not our core judgement of ourselves. When we learn and think there's something wrong with us or not enough about us, there's generally no one stopping us from thinking it all the time.

This is especially the case when our parents have the same patterns or beliefs, so then either reinforce them, or see no reason to mitigate them.

So if you're parents feel for themselves that they are failures in some way, that they have to prove themselves, or are ashamed about who they are, it will seem perfectly natural for you to feel the same.


C - The last reason this remains a powerful secret, is that we mistakenly learn that feeling self-anger/criticism is unhealthy or unproductive.

If as children we show these feelings to others, we've been more likely to attract bullying than loving or compassionate school friends. Things may be changing a little now, but it's just the way society has been.

As adults in spirituality or personal development, the first thing we're generally told is "We're beautiful worthy beings" or something similar. And so we focus on thinking we're awesome. While this is true, this is generally done by glossing over or suppressing our self-critical feelings, and so people start on an endless chase for self-love, forever running circles around what they're really looking for.


- How to use the secret and love yourself -

You might think you've let yourself feel some self-anger/criticism over the years. Yet if it hasn't changed your life in amazing ways, you either didn't let it go, or just touched the tip of the iceberg which is waiting to be released.

The key to putting this into practice is by firstly having the mindset that whatever the cause of your self anger/hatred/criticism is ultimately not true. This mindset allows you to feel the emotions, without getting lost or overwhelmed by them. With this mindset, then welcome the voice of these feelings into your head. The voice that says "You're a fucking idiot" "You're a failure" or whatever.

When you can love this voice and feelings knowing it's ultimately misguided, it will actually dissolve and love will take it's place. This is because the act of loving this voice itself, if you know it's not really true, is the act of releasing it.

By far the easiest way to do this, is to have a healer who's done it themselves take you through it. This is because the healer essentially acts like an anchor to your consciousness, a reminder that you are loved and won't get lost in the negativity or emotional pain.

This can be important because many people avoid these feelings precisely because people can get swept up in the negativity and lose their connection to love. A good healers presence will transmit this love and sense of safety, so you can go into negativity as far as it goes, and transform and release all that's there.

This is what I train people to do now, which I find the greatest joy their is. For when we can all love ourselves in this way, the world will become a love filled place. There'll be no more war or conflict. Only people reflecting love and joy to each other. And children everywhere will learn they're completely worthy of love.

All content copyright Simon Wing-Lun & Lora Radford 2019